Next Mayor Drinks In nÓg
Gay Campaign Worker O'Toole Talks

Out & About by Drinky the Drunk Guy

• In music news, Sarah "the K" Kennedy has joined local trad sensation Uther (pronounced Uther).  They hope that she will attract the all-important young Irish male fan base; Sarah also hopes that will be the case.  When reached for comment, she said "Go banana!"
  
• Dave "You Don't Have To Go Home, But You Can't Stay Here" Forbes, bullish on his prospects of keeping his new job past the 90-day mark, has left his post as "Friendly Bouncer."  Rumor has is that his replacement is actually just using the job to justify spending more time in the nÓg.  Forbes has been heard to proclaim "It worked for me!"
  
• While the nÓg has finally begun paying the regulars for hanging around, the Squealing Pig is getting free labor from local eager beaver Erik "John" Holmes.  We hear that Erik's fondness for bar work stems from his delusional belief that he is actually interning at the Pig. 
  
• Cara "I Was Patron Of The Month" Abdulrazak, who was disappointed when her expected Big Game jackpot did not materialize, is not maintaining her optimism: "I'm over it," said Cara.  "My new goal is to get Philip to shave.  I figure my odds of success are at least as good!"
  

Since the nÉws is based in Somerville, we've been following the mayoral race with great interest.  We were naturally curious when word leaked that candidate Dorothy Kelly Gay has been spotted at Tír na nÓg on several occasions.  We spoke with nÓg bartender and Kelly Gay campaign worker Feargal O'Toole to get the scoop.  "It's true, Dorothy frequently visits the battle cruiser for a little Arthur Scargill," O'Toole said.  "She usually drops by in the evening in with the old pot & pan for some John Skinner and a tiddly wink.  She'll usually have a George Raft, or sometimes a fine and dandy.  If she's on the Gypsy's kiss she'll move right into the gay and frisky."  We asked O'Toole what he thought of Kelly Gay's opponent in the upcoming special election.  "Oh, that merchant banker doesn't stand a chance," he replied.  "He's gonna get son 'n' daughter'd when the votes come in.  We'll mop the Rory O'Moore with his bottle & glass."  When we asked if her second-place finish in the recent primary indicated any trouble with the campaign, O'Toole got fired up.  "That's a load of Jackson Pollocks," he yelled.  "I'm so Moby Dick of hearing that Barry White.  You've got some big Niagra Falls to say that in here.  Hey, she's not the one disturbing the brown bread at their own funerals!  I'll John Major you that Kelly Gay beats the Lesley Crowthers off that paraffin lamp."  We didn't understand him either.

Hybrasil Announce New Format
"Nothing But Covers," Says Christian

Insanely popular local band Hybrasil are apparently changing their tune.  According to Christian McNeill (former frontman of Columbia Recording artists 'Schtum'), Hybrasil will be abandoning their dedication to original material and will instead be performing set lists primarily consisting of early U2 material.  When reached for comment, Christian said "I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!"

Paddy Grace's Tips For
Successful Bar Owners

A great way to build a loyal clientele is to have a self-serve, open bar on holidays!  Your regulars will greatly appreciate this gesture of good will and your staff will appreciate the time off.