Robert Elliott: Eyes Wide Shut

Easy Marks Scandal: Mark Not Easy

Many people were puzzled last month by Tír na nÓg owner Robert Elliott's mysterious disappearance.  Claims that he was "in Ireland" were ignored, as this is generally known to be Irish slang for "in a world of shit and hiding somewhere."  In truth, Mr. Elliott was actually visiting Lourdes, France, in a desperate attempt to fix his deteriorating eyesight.  Mr. Elliott's recent attempts at self-medication for his condition had failed dramatically (although enjoyably), and the decision was made to seek help from "a higher power."  Unfortunately for Robert, Paddy Grace would not return his phone calls.  Thus, he was required to turn to religion in his most desperate hour.  The nÉws is glad to report that Robert's prayers were indeed answered, and he has now returned to his normal state of being blind to only that which he does not wish to see, which will hopefully include this paper.

Controversy has engulfed the popular nÓg band known as the "Easy Marks," after revelations that band leader Mark Clark is, in fact, difficult.  The scandal first broke when several female nÓg patrons complained to nÓg staff that Mark was not responding to their advances.  "It's false advertising," claimed one lass.  While Mark dodged those accusations by quickly hooking up with the first available female, the scandal continued to grow when nÓg doorman Dave "Junior" Forbes told this paper about the difficulty of getting Mark Clark out of the bar after last call.  "Damn," said Forbes, "for an Easy Mark he's a pain in the ass when it's time to leave."  Mark immediately responded to these new allegations by claiming the other two Marks were easy enough to make up for his recalcitrance.

Bars To Kelly Gay: Three A.M. Close, And Be Lively About It!

• Mike Barrett finally offends self during nÓg gig, and can no longer go out as he refuses to drink in pubs where he performs.
  
• Feargal O'Toole fires yet another band, explains "I didn't like the way your man was looking at me."
  
• Enda Mullen continues devious plans to hire bands that will irritate Feargal.
  
• Squealing Pig considers changing name to "Mike Barrett's Place," will require all performers to cover Mike's songs.
  
• Littlest Bar wins coveted "Littlest Bar In Boston" award for record fifth straight year.
  

Somerville bars have turned up the heat on new Mayor Dorothy Kelly Gay to keep her campaign non-promise to push back the closing time to three a.m.  "Sure, maybe she didn't say it," said local alcohol activist Johnny Murphy, "but someone said she said it, and I think she needs to stand by what people say she's said."  The three a.m. closing platform was first revealed in this paper, and is credited with turning out the "barfly vote" that many believe pushed Kelly Gay's campaign to victory.  When reached for comment, the Mayor said "Who is this again?  How did you get this number?  Listen, I run the police department!  I'll have you beat to a...wait, are you recording this?"