John Buonomo: 1808-1999
Requiem For A Political Hack
By nÉws Correspondent "The Slasher"

nÉws Is Officially Out Of Ideas

The Tír na nÉws announced today that it had finally run out of humorous ideas for the paper.  "Go ahead, put any old shit in," nÉws publisher Douglas "Shhh" Aldridge told his staff.  "I don't care what you write.  If you've got space to fill, just run some garbage about how we're out of ideas."  Aldridge would not respond to questions about the rival Tír na nÓse, and whether its recent absence indicated a larger drought of news-worthy barfly scandal.  "Can't you see I'm trying to get drunk here?" Aldridge asked this reporter.  "Running worthless articles full of lengthy, pointless quotes has always been our specialty at the nÉ."

Residents of Somerville, a city of 80,000, last week mourned the untimely -- and pathetic -- end to Alderman-at-Small John Buonomo's political "career."  Buonomo, who has ran for mayor a record 1,023 times, failed to pull nomination papers for the mayor's election this fall.  Reaction to Buonomo's demise was swift.  Said Matt Hoey, who received two and a half votes in the last mayoral election, "I can't believe John is gone.  At my height, there are not many people I can look down at, but John was one.  I will miss him dearly."  During a packed press conference at a local funeral home, Buonomo acknowledged those who had voted for him in the past.  "I would like to thank both those voters for their support and hard work throughout the decades."  Despite this being Mr. Buonomo's final public act, he was at times feisty.  Directing his comments at the press (who were in fact barred from the press conference) he said, "You won't have John Buonomo to kick around anymore."  Speaking while standing on top of 45 New York City telephone books, Buonomo told the hushed crowd that he planned to move out of Somerville to rural Georgia, where there is an open seat for dog catcher in a small town of 65.  Buonomo said he was confident of election.  A source close to Buonomo, who asked to be identified only by his initials, "Doug Rubin," added that Buonomo's pollsters, Atwater & Goldwater Inc., conducted a benchmark poll and concluded that his name recognition was a stunning 0.6% -- twice as high as in Somerville. Quoting Shakespeare, Buonomo parted with a line from Othello: "I have done Ward 4, Precinct 2 some service; they know't. No more of that."

Out & About by Drinky the Drunk Guy

• The nÉws is pleased to announce that former nÓg loafer Dan "Rosin My Bow" Dooley is now the proud father of a baby girl.  Those who have seen pictures report that the puffy, red-faced infant is the spitting image of her Dad on a Sunday morning.
  
• Rumors continue to run through the nÓg of a new menu and/or a Sunday brunch being introduced.  Listen, kids: you've got a better chance of seeing Enda change his gender than change the menu.
  
• Speaking of Dan Dooley, we hear that he'll be taking a spin behind the bar when he visits town in August.  Please get your drink orders in now so Dan can get started!
  
• Rob "Lord, I Was Born A Gambling Man" Niger draws ever closer to finishing his thesis for MIT.  As far as we can tell, the subject deals with the movements of bubbles through Corona after the bottle is turned upside-down, and the effect that adding limes has on these bubbles.  We're sure you'll do well Rob, as you've been doing plenty of research!