The Clown Kidnapping Caper: Who Cares?

Feargal O'Toole Does Not Hit On Woman Friends In "State Of Shock"

With the Tír na nÓg clown still missing after several months, bar patrons are left asking one question: "What clown?"  While the kidnapper(s) and clown remain at large and the ransom demands have not been met, one is forced to wonder if anyone still cares about the plucky little mascot.  The investigation into the clown's disappearance has been stalled for weeks, with many bar patrons still drinking under a cloud of suspicion.  The latest rumor making the rounds is that the clown is currently residing at another Boston-area Irish pub, where it is hopefully receiving the care and attention it deserves.

Witnesses describe it as "a total surprise."  Co-workers have been left dumbfounded.  The Tír na nÓg has been rocked to its very foundation.  The reason?  Feargal O'Toole, a bartender at the nÓg, was recently seen serving a rather attractive female patron without making a single overt pass at her.  "I can't understand it," said a friend of Mr. O'Toole's, who asked to be identified only as "Phil."  "Just last week he was ogling and harassing even the least attractive women in the bar.  I'm concerned that he might be off drugs again."  Another witness who was present when the alleged encounter took place had this to say: "I'm totally astounded.  This woman had legs, breasts, the works.  It's just not like Feargal to pass that up!"  Mr. O'Toole, renown for his normally boorish and obscene behavior towards women, had no comment for this article.

Why No Snacks?
A Tír na nÓse Editorial

The Tír na nÓse is concerned about the lack of snack food at the bar.  Any good bar puts out some snack food, whether it be pretzles, peanuts or those wack Chex mixes.  This is particularly important after 9 p.m., when Enda turns into a pumpkin and our food supply is cut off. We're sure that most patrons would even be willing to buy some snacks.  People of the nÓg, let the roar of your stomach be heard!  Feed us some snacks!