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Congratulations are in order for Robert, Patty and Patsy, as the Tír na nÓg has been named the "Best Irish Pub" by Boston Magazine for a second consecutive year. nÓse sources could not confirm whether the award was due to the judges' love of the nÓse, but common sense would suggest that is the case. Reached for comment, nÓg bartender Feargal O'Toole said "I'm the man! See my name in there? How cool am I?" It is widely believed that Feargal's already massive ego will now swell to a dangerous, maniacal level. Although the nÓg's victory was the main story yesterday, several other awards went to Tír na nÓg regulars. Mike Gervais won the "Loudest Patron" award, squeaking out a victory in a crowded field of top-notch (and top-volume) competitors. Dave Forbes received the "Friendliest Bouncer Who Still Never Scores" award for his constant good cheer despite the fact that he rarely gets any play. And in a moving ceremony, nÓg fixture Ned Walsh was given the "Guinness Lifetime Achievement" award for his loyal consumption of their product. The nÓse salutes the nÓg and all its prize-winning patrons!
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On a recent Tuesday night, at approximately 11:55, a threatening letter addressed to Tír na nÓg "musician" Mike Barrett was discovered on the stage. The letter begins with a string of obscenities denouncing Barrett as a racist and stating that if he performs his "Stairway To Heaven" parody one more time, he will be brutally beaten and recircumsized. The obviously over-educated terrorist objected to the use of the word "Iraq" in the same sentence as the name of a well-known chain of convenience stores. Says Barrett "It's all a mistake, if this person had seen the lyrics in print, maybe they wouldn't have been offended. The actual words to the song speak of a 'man from Aireach', a small town in the County Longford in Ireland. I wrote that song for a friend of mine who had saved his money for several years in order to buy a Store-24 in Worcester. The 7-11 reference was strictly artistic license to make the rhyming scheme more elegant." The alleged terrorist was not available for comment.
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