Don't Call It A Comeback
Guest Columnist: Mike Barnicle

New Menu At The nÓg?

Tír na nÓse sources in the nÓg kitchen have confirmed that the long awaited "New Menu" will be appearing soon on Tír na nÓg tables.  When reached for comment, Executive Chef Enda Mullen gave us a preview of the new menu.  "The customers have made it clear to me that the menu needs to be revamped," he said.  "They all love the food and all, but it's been a while and they want a change. In this business, when the customers speak you can't just say f*** off, unless they're regulars. You have to keep them happy, at least until their second visit.  You see over here where the burger is?  We're gonna move that right here to below the grilled chicken sandwich. As you can see, that we'll leave us a space over here where the burger used to be so we're gonna move the steak tips into that spot. We think the customers will be excited once they get used to it."

As you probably know, I'm going to have lots of free time for the next couple of months.  The editors of the nÓse have kindly offered me a temporary gig so I can keep my skills sharp until I get back into the big leagues.  Now, the other day, I was over in South Boston with my friend Weenie.  Weenie owns a little store over there.  Well, it's not so much a store as it is an old Lincoln.  Weenie sells "swag" out of the back of it.  If you hung around with all the tough guys, wise guys and criminals I hang out with, you'd know "swag" is: clothing, jewelry and other items that have been burgled.  It's an innocent, victimless crime.  Nobody threatens to fire you for it, like when you glom a joke from some has-been hippie comedian.  So I said, "Weenie, why do you sell swag on the streets of South Boston?" Weenie then told me a story about his mother who got burned up in a factory fire in Springfield and about his kid brother who ever since he got back from the war has more holes in his arm than Whitey Bulger has FBI guys on his Christmas card list, and about his Uncle Eddie, his favorite uncle who got killed outside a bar in Wellesley when he was drunk and bumped into a parked Mercedes.  The alarm went off and it scared Eddie so bad he had a heart attack and died on the spot.  And I said, "Weenie what about the swag?" And Weenie stopped talking and said, "Mike, I ain't saying nothing, you know what I'm saying?" And another thing.  If I'm gonna be hanging around at some Irish joint, I'd appreciate it if you guys remember, we're in America now.  Enough with the accent and the "half three" stuff.  It's three thirty in this country.  Our beer is yellow, not black.  Learn to live with us and like it or go back home.  See you next week.   

nÓg's Ned Nabbed Nude!

Last week the nÓse received an anonymous delivery of a Playgirl Magazine.  Upon opening the magazine to the bookmarked page, we were dismayed to see not only the face, but the entire body of  Ned Walsh, who is considered  the "wise sage" of the nÓg and who many seek out for advice on subjects as diverse as how to recover from a broken heart and where to get a hot inspection sticker.  Reached for comment, Ned said, "Look guys, I needed the money and this magazine had been hounding me for years to do a spread for them.  So finally a few  months ago,  I went for it. What's so wrong with it anyway? The human body is a beautiful thing, it's nothing to be ashamed of, is it?"  Non-surly bartender and nÓg dream queen Mary O'Gorman when asked said she hadn't seen it, but when we showed it to her said, "Sure why not?  Hasn't he a fine butt?"