Who Was That Masked Man?
nÓse Editor To Step Down

No Such Thing As Bad Publicity

Proving the old saying true, the Tír na nÓse last week was featured in the Irish Emigrant.  Quoting liberally from our article about their hostile takeover attempt, the Emigrant played the good sport without ever denying the allegations contained within that article.  A spokesman for the Emigrant denied that their flattering article was designed to smooth the way for the takeover attempt.  In response, a spokesman for the nÓse denied that the recent flood of Emigrant-related articles in the nÓse was a desperate attempt to get mentioned in the Green Machine. 

In a weekend press conference, the anonymous Editor-In-Chief of the Tír na nÓse announced he would be stepping down after this issue.  "I just can't stand this f**king rag," he said, before adding, "Don't print that."  The desk of the Editor is expected to be filled by long time nÓse contributor Mike "Grizzly" Barrett.  When asked how he would juggle the role of both nÓg performer and nÓse editor, Grizzly roared angrily.  The stunning announcement comes just as the nÓse is about to publish its tenth issue, a milestone that few people though it would reach.  "I always thought it would last this long," the soon to be ex-editor said.  "Bad jokes get passed around forever, you know.  No one remembers the good jokes.  For example, an alligator goes into a bar..."  Random interviews with nÓg patrons showed that few people were concerned about the changes.  Said nÓg barfly Mark Clark (not his real name), "Tír na what?  Never heard of it."  Others echoed Mark's lack of familiarity with the nÓse.  "I have no idea what you're talking about," said Sarah Kennedy,  "but would you like to buy me a drink?"  When asked about his future plans, the outgoing nÓse staffer said "I'm going back to my roots: getting drunk and making fun of people to their faces, instead of in print."

Tír na nÓse Classifieds

FOR SALE  One enormous cow bell.  Any offer accepted -- must go!  Pick up before 11 a.m required.  Call 628-4300, ask for Patty.

FOR SALE  Yellow scarf with blue & green bicycles.  Call 628-4300, ask for Feargal.

FREE!  Good home needed for friendly bouncer.  Beautiful female roommate preferred, proximity to Tír na nÓg required.  Call 628-6300, ask for Dave.

WANTED  Back issues of "Tír na nÓse."  Collector seeks original issues, will pay top dollar.  Desperately needs ultra-rare "underground" first issue.  Inquire at the Tír na nÓg.

DRIVER WANTED  Full-time chauffeur sought.  Must be intimately familiar with Boston's Irish pubs.  Nighttime hours only.  Call 628-6300, ask for Robert.

NANNY WANTED  Tara Kenney seeks full-time nanny to assist in care of fiancée.  Good pay, late hours.

Possible Changes nÓse Readers Can Look Forward To:

• New "Page Three Girl."
  
• Total disregard for community standards.
  
• Featured column, "He Said, She Said," by Mike Barnicle and Patricia Smith.
  
• New worry lines for Patty.
  
• Weekly editorials demanding musicians be paid in Jack Daniels or Chardonnay.