Point/Counterpoint: "Folks, Please" vs. "Yeah, I'm Going"

New nÓg Menu Finally Debuts
Patrons Confused, Chef Quits

The long-awaited, semi-mythical new menu finally debuted at Tír na nÓg several weeks ago.  The drastic changes, including a new appetizer, slightly higher prices, and a new font, have caused chaos in the normally quiet Tír na nÓg.  Veteran cook Alberto is believed to have quit over the changes, citing the potential for different and confusing orders.  In addition, nÓse publisher Doug "I Fear Change" Aldridge has not been seen since the new menu debuted.  The nÓse has refused comment on the issue, but one insider spoke to this reporter on condition of anonymity.  "Of course we're distraught," the staffer said.  "The unchanging menu was our only joke.  We built a publishing empire around it, and now it's gone.  I'd be surprised if Mr. Aldridge is still in the country."  Efforts to reach nÓg Chef Enda Mullen were met with surliness.

"Folks, Please" - Chris the Doorman
Folks, please, let's go.  In all fairness now, it's almost 1:30, you gotta leave.  Hey, Dave, seriously, let's go.  Drink 'em up, please.  Come on, everybody's leaving, that means you too, man.  Don't make me take you out of here.  Seriously though, it's past that time, you gotta move.  Chop chop. 

"Yeah, I'm Going" - Dave Forbes
Yeah, I'm going, chill out!  Let me just finish this pint.  I'm almost done!  Look, those people down there are still hanging out, go bother them.  OK, I'm moving.  Will you call me a cab?  No, I won't wait outside for it!  You know, I used to work here, too.  Look, how come you're not kicking those people out?  Yeah, I know they're the band.  Alright, I'm going!

It's No Way To Make A Living
Tír na nÓg Goes Nine-to-Five

Out & About by Drinky the Drunk Guy

Tír na nÓg, in an attempt to squeeze even more bar time out of its regulars, has installed a time clock to monitor the comings and goings of its most dedicated barflies.  Early indications are that the experiment will prove very successful.  Long time patron Dave Forbes has been unsuccessfully lobbying to have the last four years credited to his time card, while other patrons are trying to use their work cards and get paid for time spent in the pub.  The race is currently wide open, since prohibitive favorite Doug "Where Is He Now?" Fresh has yet to punch his card.  Dave "Please Stop Mentioning Me, I'm Serious" Forbes now believes he has a real shot at the title.  "Ever since Fresh took my Consecutive Days Attendance title I've been looking for a way to regain my rightful position."  Good luck to all!

• Joke of the Week: Did you hear the one about the Irishman who hit a van full of blind people?  He got off because there were no witnesses!
  
• On a personal note, the nÓse would like to send best wishes for a speedy recovery to Mark Clark.  Apparently, Mark laughed so hard at last month's "Ask Mark Clark" column that he collapsed a lung.  Sorry Mark, we'll try to be less funny in the future.
  
• The changes at Tír na nÓg just don't stop--last week, the ugly green wall was finally painted over.  Sources indicate that the green paint had to go when an unnamed staffer, having fallen asleep on the back bench, thought he was in a hospital room when he awoke and saw the green wall.