Arthur Committed To Bridgewater By "Crazy" Neighbor

Regular nÓg patrons this week were saddened, but not surprised, to hear that long time patron Arthur O'Brien had finally been removed to Bridgewater for "recuperation."  Arthur, whose behavior has been increasingly erratic lately, was finally turned in to the police by a neighbor that Arthur had been insisting was "crazy."  "Sure I saw it coming," said nÓg bartender Enda "Ask Me Why I'm Smiling" Mullen.  "When he accused that little old lady of scratching my Jeep, I knew it was really him.  Who accuses old ladies of being crazy, but a really crazy person?"  Other patrons shared Enda's sentiments.  "You know the way he's always talking about that 'dog' he has?" asked nÓg staple Andrew "I'll Play With Anyone" Oinkle.  "Have you ever seen this dog?  I didn't think so."  Other patrons report that Arthur has recently taken to drinking his Coors Light out of very small glasses, claiming that this prevents people from "replacing my whole supply with non-alcoholic beer."  And those that were present at the recent nÓse-sponsored poker night reported that Arthur's play was indeed erratic.  "I thought he was just drunk," Joe "Bob" Oakes told this reporter.  "He was trying to tell us that his straight beat Jack's two pair, as if he didn't know we always let Jack win."  While Arthur could not be reached for comment (for obvious reasons), his good friend Tom Jordan issued a statement on his behalf.  "Arthur O'Brien is not crazy," Tom said.  "It's that nutcase on the top floor.  Arthur promised me a share of his medication if I said that."

The mystery of the disappearing banner was finally laid to rest over the April Fool's weekend when the giant flag reappeared on the nÓg, with a few subtle alterations.  As many had suspected, the fugitive editor of the nÓse Doug "It's Like I Never Left" Fresh turned out to be the culprit.  The nÓse has learned that last minute negotiations were held at Tír na nÓg, involving Feargal "The Boozy Bargainer" O'Toole, Robert "I'm Moving To Vermont" Elliott, and Jack "I Was Lying The Whole Time" McRae.  Although the final agreement was not made public, it is believed that the nÓg has agreed to retrieve the unloved ceramic clown that prompted the theft.  Red Sox tickets were also alleged to have been involved.  By the morning after the negotiations, the banner had reappeared in it's original place, and O'Toole seemed very excited at its reappearance.  "Fuck," he was overheard saying, "I guess I'll have to take it down after all."  Many people have wondered why such effort was expended over such a useless piece of cloth, and the thief had no good answer.  "These things just have to be done," Mr. Fresh said.  "Who knows why.  Too much to drink, maybe.  Or not enough.  Whatever, I'm going to the pub."

• Rumored trade of nÓg's Enda for eat's Adam falls through when Adam fails heckling trial.
  
• I will have my revenge on the Vinal Ave Band.
  
• Jack's name finally spelled correctly.
  
• This column is really just a space filler.  But you already knew that, didn't you?