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Letters To The Editor

Star Struck! --Lou Reed Rebuffs Local Bartender's Ad

An open letter to the nOse...
We, Garrett's "ladies" understand the importance of a healthy base which is needed in preparation for (or in conjunction with) an evening of serious  libations (see editorial: "Where's the Snacks", Tir Na nOse, Vol. 2, Issue 4, May 2000).  If you have a problem with our non-Kate-Moss-esque consumption of steak tips (with the exception of one of us - who does self-admittedly enjoy a good french fry) please discuss with us before publishing libelous slander regarding our eating habits.  While all our appetites are indeed voracious, let it be known that only one of us benefits from the Garrett Pembroke workout.
Hugs & kisses, Garrett's Ladies

[If you have ever seen the editor of Tir na nOse, you would know that it is inconceivable that he might have a problem with other people enjoying a hearty meal.  As for the accusations of libel and slander, I think we all know there would be no nOse without them.  And no one wants that, do they?  Besides, the word on the street is that "Garrett's Ladies" are enjoying the spotlight and attention from the "nOg's Gentlemen" that the coverage has brought. - Ed.]

Tir na nOg bartender Enda "You Talkin' To Me?" Mullen recently had a close encounter with star musician Lou Reed--but sadly, Enda walked away empty handed.  Sources on the scene say that Mr. Mullen, who was attending Lou Reed's concert in Boston last week, was overcome by emotion in the middle of the show and climbed on stage to express his love for the star.  The nOse was unable to confirm by press time that Mr. Mullen did indeed grab Mr. Reed's ass, but we're printing it anyway.  Unfortunately, Mr. Reed immediately turned down Mr. Mullen's advances, saying "You're not even half pretty enough, boy."  The devastated bartender has since been observed sulking around the bar, barking at patrons and staff alike.  While this is not considered abnormal, those close to Mr. Mullen report that he is indeed depressed over his failure to get Lou Reed's phone number.  "It'll be OK," said Feargal "The Lethargic Lothario" O'Toole.  "He'll sulk for a week or two, and then he'll become obsessed with another star, like Jabe or someone."

Out & About by Drinky the Drunk Guy

Advice From The Bar: Ask Tony

  • The nOg now features a brand-new sound system, which the boys promptly inaugurated with the 323rd rendition of "Feet Of A Dancer."  The more things change…
  • Congratulations to mom-to-be Jess, who has finally obtained the ultimate excuse to miss the Johnny Come Latelies.
  • We've heard rumors that a certain regular is getting the ride from another regular.  Although he denies singing the song, sources say there's music in the air…
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Dear Tony,
I haven't seen you around the bar lately.  How's everything going?
Sincerely, Concerned

Dear Concerned,
What?  I can't hear you--this fucking band is too loud.  I said the band is too loud!  Oh, it's the stereo?  Well, it's real fucking loud.  Why does it have to be so loud?  Man, I gotta get out of here.
Sincerely, Tony

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