Out & About by Drinky the Drunk Guy

Mr. Nice Guy Turns Heart Hazard
"Tao Of Doug-e-Letch" by Owena Meany

• The nOg has been abuzz about last issue's revelation of the PYT-obsessed boozer.  Despite the speculation of this month's guest columnist, no one has guessed the identities of both parties.  Not for lack of trying however--people have proposed everything from Robert as the boozer to Robert as the PYT.  Keep guessing, kids!
  
• A big nOse welcome to our newest regular, Russ.  We haven't been able to get too much dirt on him, but we figure it won't be long.  Anyone who talks to Mark Clark that much is bound to have plenty of bizarre, nOse-worthy skeletons in the closet!
  

Doug-e-Letch infatuaire caves under pressure as the identity of the PYT-ogling boozer is revealed.  It is a woman's job to take the editorial seat and scandalize about the real goings-on in Doug-e's mind. After the Feargal/Doug-e love affair slammed to an abrupt and bitter end after too many tequilas and overt straying-eye episodes, Doug-e bristled with anguish,  humiliation and remorse and refused to talk about, let alone mention the name of, any of his future love-interests.  (Not so for Feargal may I add, who has been happily making long-distance phone calls to any number of his own lady interests.  They are well received too, so I hear, and are well worth the $2.99 for the first minute, $1.99 every minute thereafter.)  It has been uncovered, however, that Doug-e's PYT love interests do include the ENTIRE female population of the nOg.  Observe for instance that not one of the nOg's lovely ladies are named in his infamous NOSE issues....  Instead the entire lively female nOg population are only obliquely and longingly glanced over in his writings....  Sources are informed, however, that this will soon change.  Doug-e will continue to be plied with drink, but the questions of other barflies shall now be packed with ulterior motives intended to extract the deep and sometimes extremely dark longings of Doug-e's mind.  Much, much more shall be revealed.  Stay tuned.  The tip of the iceberg is arriving and is about to be smashed and fed to the dogs.  Still, some kudos must be given to Letch the Fresh as he is meekly willing to print this wee epistle (albeit whimpering "help me, help me PYT's") as a broken beer glass is presently pointed at his temple.   

St. Paddy's Day: Dos And Don'ts

With Paddy's Day on us again, and the bar sure to be packed with first-timers and the like, it's time to review the standing Tir na nOg rules that will be vigorously enforced all day Saturday:

• Drunken men are to be directed towards the exit, drunken women toward the bar.   
  
• Flirt only with male staff unless otherwise encouraged.
  
• Flirt excessively with male staff, unless verbally discouraged.
  
• Heckling hecklers from the stage is a violation of the Heckler's Etiquette.  Amplification makes it hardly fair play.
  
• Do not sit near a keg that is about to tap out.  You will get wet, blamed for sitting too close and castigated for complaining about it.
  
• Accommodations will be tight, so please go with the flow.  If you find yourself being groped in the crowd, go with it!  It's probably just Artie the One-Man Party, and he's mostly harmless.